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"After careful and painstaking deliberation, I have decided it is time to disclose my secret identity that I have kept shrouded behind my newspaper editor facade. In real life, I am Mr. Fun Guy."
"I read an article somewhere last week and learned I am far more out of touch with reality than my daughter Katy has led me to believe."
Every year I make a New Year’s resolution to never make resolutions. R words like resolution, responsibility and reality make me limp.
By special Christmas spirit request from all the goddesses in the office and Ms. Vegan, I will give my last-minute advice on buying gifts for girlfriends, wives and all those who make life worth living.
I sense a move afoot to make me appear grouchy and less than Mr. Cool and up with the times.
So for all our kvetching it is best to remember, “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars….”
The Court ruling stated the fine is to be placed into a “segregated account for the benefit of basic education.”
"As I scanned the list it occurred to me there are a number of words I know that for some reason are not in the Oxford dictionary."
"I believe newspapers will be around because of the story. The form a newspaper will take I don’t know, but the story is the thing."
If approved, the April 28 levy lid lift will raise $273 million.
"At first I thought he wanted to talk about a problem in his neighborhood or with some goofball city rule. It took me a moment to get it through my thick fog that he was talking about a UFO sighting."
"Miraculously the magic light in my phone figured out where I was going and a woman in white began talking to me. I couldn’t believe it. I found a girlfriend in my shirt pocket."
"I’m not sure why Maris captivated me as a kid, rather than Mickey Mantle, Whitey Ford or countless other baseball players."
"Since I have suddenly slipped down the slobbery slope of fogeydom, I will now embrace it."
"I was tipped off to the plot when my boneheaded phone made a call, for no apparent reason. This wasn’t the first time and I never know to whom or when it will strike."
"Every time Yodie comes to terrorize me for a week or two, the first thing I do is show her Darwin’s book, multiple times. She apparently doesn’t read very well."
After spending the past several weeks watching political Kabuki kooks find ways to be silly and not govern, I needed some relief.
My daughter, Katy, exercises her free speech on me all the time. I never knew I was such a dumbwad until she learned to free speech me when she was two. Now I get free speeched all the time.
I have always been fascinated by words and usage. I can often tell what a speaker or writer doesn’t want me to know by the duck-and-dodge words and usage.
Voters would be best served if they know what an official can do and what they should not promise.