Many of us believe in all sorts of plots and conspiracies. Most may be goofy, but I have come across one directly aimed at me – evil little hairball Hal.

It involves my cell phone that apparently has a mind of its own; a smarter brain than mine (not a stretch).

I was tipped off to the plot when my boneheaded phone made a call, for no apparent reason. This wasn’t the first time and I never know to whom or when it will strike.

I’ll be stumbling around and suddenly I hear a voice coming from my pocket. That’s a ball of fun.

About a week ago the beast in my pocket started calling a number I didn’t even know was in my contacts. I just bought this dumb device and it suddenly knows my history. I am certain it is reading my thoughts and making calls to squeal on me.

It’s like carrying an annoying third grader named Hal in my pocket. You know, the kid who sat in the front row always raising his hand first, with the right, stupid answer.

After recess, hairball Hal was always in a secret conference with my teacher, giving her the rundown on the seven deadly sins I committed.

I am convinced it is Hal who is lurking in my pocket, still a third grader and still annoying.

At any moment this phone will suddenly pick someone to call, seemingly without logic or reason. But I think there is a pattern I detect, a hairball Hal pattern.

Hal must have grown into a twisted adult and now sits in a windowless room with pasty skin devising a phone to squeal on my seven rotten sins. I’m pretty sure he has invented a new set of seven sins. All the things that used to be OK when I was in third grade, but since the advent of new math, a bunch of new bad has been invented.

I suspect the only solution is to revert back to the one phone that always worked and never made a squealer call – two Dixie cups and a string.

Let hairball Hal try to work his evil ways with that phone.